I have returned to my "old" habits and as a reward for such behavior I have gained 4 pounds back in a week. Carrie sent me a "think about this..." text the other day that said something along the lines of A year from now, you will wish you had started today. It really made me think and I know that the me in Oct 2010 really would thank me for getting my shit together today. Well, I don't have to get it all together right now, but if I get the process started today then I will be that much closer tomorrow. Today I am tired of it all. I am bored with my excuses and ready to really think about considering making necessary changes. I love to sabotage myself. I am an amazing self fulfilling prophet!
The end of this year is a huge deal for me. I am FINALLY done with my undergrad and it has only taken me 12 years to settle on a major and complete it. It will be the first time I have ever set out to do something and then actually followed through with it. Since this is new for me, I am doing everything in my power to stay put. I have lost the excitement I had at the beginning of the term. I am refusing to think about what I am going to be doing the second week of December when I am done with my finals and I have no job or prospects. I know I have an amazing family who provide an outstanding support network so I am not worried about having my needs met. I think what I am going through is the opposite of anorexia. So much is changing and needs to change that I am controlling the one thing that is uncomfortably comfortable and that is my status as a fat person. I have no idea who healthy Natalie is and I don't know what she is going to need to move about the world every day. If I keep the pounds then I know the rules. I know what to do and what is expected of me in my community. I know the routine. It is really dumb to fall back on that but I am pretty sure that is what allows me to sleep for 17 hours at a time then wake up to eat a large pizza on my own.
I think I am going to try to re frame what is going on and just lump it all together and wrap everything in a dum dum's "surprise" wrapper. While I don't exactly know what the flavor is going to be, I can be pretty certain I am going to like it anyway. And if I don't I can choose something different at that time. But I need to stop assuming its too hard or going to suck so why bother. Hiking to the top of a hill/mountain/really hard location sucks and can really test you along the way. But the view from the top and being able to look back at where you came from is indiscribable. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Yeah, it is balls shitty now, but if I just hold out a little longer and push a littler harder (cuz I know I have way more in me) then it will all be worth it and it will all work itself out at the end. But I can tell you all one thing is for sure... I REFUSE to be in the same place, battling the SAME demons this time next year.
With that said, here are the most recent results.
Nat 2.9%
Kim .9%
Carol .9%
Sigrid .9%
Carrie 1% GOOD JOB CURRY!!
Chris 0% Way to go getting on track Chris!! :)
Megan I did not get a weight for Megan this week. When I do I will update.
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I am so proud of you and that your degree is within sight. Hell, it is within a month! Remember, I started part-time at Parkland when I was 28 and finally finished my Master's degree at 44, one month shy of my 45th birthday. I changed majors so many times.
ReplyDeleteAs for weight loss, you are doing quite well there. Getting your shit together in one area of your life usually leads to other positive things in the other areas. You'll get there and hopefully you will help me along the way.
It was a year ago that I decided I did not want to be a fat grandma and was so unhappy with the person occupying my mirror.One year later - just about 35 pounds lighter with another 35 to go.
I really hope people get back into the mindset of doing the weight loss together.